Monthly Archives: January 2012

Hollywood, we have a problem…

The Russian poster for a ridiculously capitalist fiction based on their ridiculously faked Moon missions, comrade.

For better or worse (worse, mostly), the dreaded “found footage” gimmick of films such as Cannibal Holocaust or The Blair Witch Project has blossomed into a full-fledged genre in the new century.  It shouldn’t have, but movie producers just love the low production cost and how the jumpiness is compatible with their coked-up attention deficit disorder.

But Apollo 18 takes the potential stupidity of the “genre” to new heights- and I don’t mean up on the moon either.

Inspired by the famously “cancelled” moon missions (partly abandoned because no one was watching), this ludicrous bit of alternate history (the missions were recycled into the Skylab project), purports that we sent another mission to the Moon to do some hush-hush work only to encounter a failed Russian moon landing and a nasty case of lunar lice (“moon crabs”) masquerading as rocks and patienly waiting for millions of years for some air-breathing mammals to chance by (In defiance of both Darwinism AND “Intelligent Design”).

In Space, no one can hear you grasping at straws.


It took me hours to sit through this P.O.S.

I had to take long breaks to go bang my head on a wall and take deep breaths before starting up the damn thing again.

Why me? Why?

OK. So let our suspension of disbelief take over (It’s easier on the skull). Let’s just accept that goofy premise (that, frankly, makes Jaws 4 sound like Gone with the Wind) and the fact the moon nasties make noise that carries in the (non-existent) moon atmosphere. Then what?

Then I still can’t swallow this film because of the sheer number of coverage, via camera angles and setups this so-called “found footage” has… Or the fact we get to see “surveillance footage” inside the Lunar Module while the guys are out on a moonwalk…. Or the fact video cameras produce camera flares and scratches…Or that  a film camera somehow films its own film running-out inside the camera- sprocket holes and all.

Of course there was a mix of cameras on Apollo missions but the film cameras had to be used sporadically as they had a very finite supply of film and the video cameras did not record but transmitted the images. But if you are going to use that gimmick, make sure you know the difference between film and video, if only for the sheer bulk of film: If they went ahead and filmed all the stuff seen on “film” footage in this, they would’ve needed a second vehicle just to store all the film stock.


And if that’s not stupid enough, in the climax of the film, the lone survivor climbs aboard the Russian lander which also starts filming/taping the action from numerous angles. And although that vehicle is destroyed in flight, we somehow found that footage too?


An ill-fated astronaut discovers yet another plot hole.


QUALITY OF PAIN: You’ll wish this movie was a hoax and had never been made. I mean it. It sucks harder than a Zero-G toilet.

PAINJOYMENT™ INDEX: Incredibly Slow. Boring and infuriating? Yes. Enjoyable as a “guilty pleasure”? No! 


Out on a limb

The practice of Cinémasochism isn’t just about being able to claim one has survived a painful experience. Any moron can denigrate a film and heckle it to feel superior. That’s just a form of intellectual masturbation for bullies. True cinemasochism is about finding pleasure in films most people assume are bad. It’s about braving the odd looks people give you when seeking pleasure in “forbidden” territory. It goes beyond admitting you enjoy a bad film but have transgressed into appreciating the full genius of it.

The full reward of Cinémasochim is to have expanded the scope of your pleasure sources to include works of art one loves like an faithful ugly dog you’ve rescue from the needle . It’s also the realization that a good film shouldn’t cost an arm and a leg.

One such film is The Crippled Masters. It’s not a painful film, per se, but the premise is a tad cringe-worthy as one hero gets his arms hacked off and the other sees his legs burned by acid into lifelessness in the opening act.

However, their retribution is a wonder to behold as the brave souls overcome their handicaps in a whiz-bang display of  ass-kickery that’ll have you think twice before you illegally park in the handicap zone again.

I’m sure the trailer has made you want to see this film more than anything in existence right ow, so I will be fully accommodating.


Real life vs Movies

Dragon Tiger Gate- used here as an example of something GOOD!

I’m always intrigued by the concept of “realism” in movies.

What does it mean exactly?

Let’s just go straight to the clips and see if we can spot a difference.

This is REAL LIFE:

And this is MOVIES:

Any more questions?

2011 in review

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 7,200 times in 2011. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.