How to impress film snobs with absolute crap

Ah, film festival season is upon us.

For those unfamiliar with them, most film festivals are events put together by film snobs who need to have a label of cultural respectability attributed to the films they see so they can feel superior to the rest of us uncultured slobs who just go to movies for entertainment purposes.

Also it gives them a chance to purchase their culture in bulk for the same reason the same way I get toilet paper at Costco. They gorge themselves on films for cheaper than a regular movie ticket and have diner conversation material for the rest of the year. God forbid they’d actually pay full price to see a movie.

So if someone asks them if they’ve seen the latest blockbuster, they can condescendingly respond with “I only see films featured at film festivals.”

As I was attached to many such events in the past -in some capacity or another- I fond myself exposed to many such poseurs. After a while something snapped in me and I started playing a game at their expense. It consisted very simply of mentioning foreign “trash” films like a Kaiju Eiga (Japanese Monster Movie) or a Lucha-Libre (Mexican Wrestling) film but making sure I’d pronounce the title perfectly. Then I’d just step back and watch these jerks just bury themselves under the weight of their own bullshit.

Poseur: “Do you watch many foreign films?”

Cinémasochist: “Yes. For example, these days I am reviewing a lot of films by Ruben Galindo”

Poseur: “Ah, I think I’ve seen a few of his films. Can you name one to refresh my memory?”

Cinémasochist: “Just yesterday, I watched Santo contra Los Asesinos de Otros Mondos.” [Make sure you pronounce it as convincingly as possible. You don’t need to master the whole language- just that title.]

Poseur: “Ah yes! I think I’ve seen that one at the festival two years or so ago… If I remember correctly that director has certain visual fetishes, no?”

Cinémasochist: “He works with masks a lot. His films are filled with portrayals of the violent underside of society.”

Poseur: “That’s the one! He’s a genius! I think I’ve seen all of his films.”

Galindo’s “auteur” fetishes in full display

And so it went on. The fun part is that no one ever called me on those, they just pretended they knew what I was talking about.

The film I mentioned above was a most sweet one to con a cultural wanker with as they would die of embarrassment should they find out what they have just been raving about. The title translates as Santo vs The Killers from Other Worlds. In this entry Wrestling superstar (and cultural demi-god) El Santo fights a blobbish menace from outer space portrayed by a bunch of dwarves under a blanket. Wrestling promoter and trash-culture renaissance-man Johnny Legend once distributed it under the title Santo vs The Creeping Terror.

El Santo (Rodolfo Guzmán Huerta) made fifty movies in his career, grappling a variety of opponents and genres (He’s fighting monsters in one, nazi war criminals in another and spies in yet another…) and this certainly qualifies as one of the low points. I’ve seen bad. I’ve seen very bad. But, I rarely saw a film where the victim has to cover his face deliberately to avoid laughing on camera (as you can see for yourself around the 04: 30 mark).

For a Cinémasochist, this is the sweet equivalent of hooking your nipples to a car battery (for a run-of-the-mill old-school physical pain masochist, that is.)
UPDATE: I used to have the film embedded here but the youtube link has since been tagged “private”. So here instead is Santo and the revenge of the Vampire Women. Enjoy!

Eventually, tough, the game got tiresome and I figured I’d rather stay home and watch “crap” than expose myself to real torture in the name of “culture”.

Pain Level: 8/10

Quality of Pain: Mucho grande!

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About The Cinémasochist

I'd rather just talk about "bad" movies. View all posts by The Cinémasochist

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